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Thoughts · & · Ramblings · of · a · "MAD" · woman...rofl
My thoughts...
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Well for those of you who are wondering NO I'm not dead, altho I googled my name the other day, and, according to my MAIDEN name, I'm dead.....WTF?!?!?!?! Guess for some, that can be a good thing. lmao
I can't believe it's been as long as it has been since I last blogged on here, but all I can say to that is....I suck. lol
We left Fl. and headed back to Va. Aug. 1st after the final inspection on the house on base in Mayport. The inspection went great. Only thing we had to do was clean out the stupid trash can that the woman I had hired to clean the place had filled up.....dumbass. Got out of there around 1:30, and we were off. I had mom, Justin and Meeko, Jimmy had Allyson, Jasmine and Skiddles. (Footnote......got rid of Lewis, my long-haired Dachshund a week or so prior to us moving because I just couldn't take his pissing and crapping everywhere EXCEPT where he was supposed to and scrambling out the door and disappearing every time the damn door opened....way too stressful for me especially since I'm pregnant AND not on my Bi-Polar meds.)
It took 12 hours to get in to Va. Beach. Not used to it taking that long....9 hours tops was what it was when we were here before and traveling back and forth to Ga. But then, there was an extra 300 more miles, give or take, that was added so it worked out pretty good.
Got checked in to a hotel that we stayed at for 3 days, and then the fun started....lmfao
When we first got checked in, it was about 3 in the morning, after hunting for what seemed like forever for a hotel that wasn't charging an arm and leg to stay at, we went to sleep, well, everyone else went to sleep, I was sick with a horrible cough that caused me to actually break a rib.....go figure. And I'm NOT exagerrating, I actually had a cracked rib due to the violent coughing that I had for an overall count of friggin 5 WEEKS!!!!! Oops, getting ahead of myself.....I got up at 8 and met mom at the lil cafe' the hotel had and then got a news paper to check the want adds for homes to rent. Only found 3 that would work in to our budget, so I started making phone calls. One was already rented that morning, another one was just....OMG, I wouldn't have let my worst enemy move in there....FIRE TRAP. The last house, which was the furthest out, but was SO WORTH the drive(for Jimmy, rofl) we thought we had in the bag. Keyword....T H O U G H T...Keep in mind these places weren't being rented out by realtors, but by home owners. This asshat actually ran a friggin credit check on us because his son was in realestate. Due to some indescretions, Jimmy's credit score was too low and mine...well, lets just say there's a reason why everything is in Jimmy's name. (Damn credit, but I am slowly working on that....) anywho. We didn't get the house. This was on the LAST day we were at the hotel. So, we broke down and went to Navy housing to see what they had. Where we were staying, which was in Norfolk, we had to drive, or at least thought we had to drive, all the way to Va. Beach which was 35 miles away, and it was getting late. It was like 2, or almost 3, and with the Military, 2 is like 4:45, and they are outta there at 3. Got to where we remembered the Navy Housing office to be, only to find out that 3 months after we had moved away from here in 2005, THEY transfered the Navy Housing office to.........NORFOLK!!!!!! So, I hauled ass back to Norfolk in the hopes that we would get there before they closed. CHA CHING!!!! Got there with 20 minutes to spare. lol And we were sent right in, too. The lady we talked to thought she was going to have to call an ambulance for me due to the severity of my coughing but I told her I was ok, honestly. Altho I felt like shit. This was Friday, the 3rd of August. She informed us that we were totally lucky that there was 1 townhome opening up in Va. Beach at Wadsworth Shores base housing and it was a 4 bedroom and would be perfect. Only thing......It was the earliest they had opening and it wasn't coming available until September 5th!!!! A whole month and 2 days away. Keep in mind, there are 5 people, a 3 year old, 9 year old, 34 y/o guy, 64 y/o woman with body temp issues, and a 33 y/o PREGNANT woman who is off her much needed medication, oh and 3 animals that are having to share a 1 room hotel room, THAT, btw, we were going to have to find a new place to stay due to funds being depleted due to the cost of this place....Days Inn in Norfolk is a JOKE....We had to return to the housing office on Monday to sign the paperwork and what not, and then searched for another hotel to stay at that accepted animals....since we had the damn dog. (Skiddles) Finally found a place even farther away in Hampton....La Quinta. It was nice. No charge for pets, unlike the $50 a day charge at Days Inn....rip offs. And we were there for 5 WEEKS.......That was an experience I never wish to repeat again ever.....
While in the hotel, I called TriCare to change regions and get started, or so I thought, with my new prenatal care and what not and OMG what a bust. They set me up with the quack PCM, at a friggin PATIENT FIRST office which is like one of those stupid rapid care medical places, and the people there are just morons. I went in the first time and was told I would have to pay $165 just to get areferral for an OB since I didn't have a Virginia Tricare PRime ins. card....then to go back in prepared to pay that outlandish price so I could be seen by a doc, only to be told that I would first have to get a referral letter, taking 7 to 10 business days, and then wait 3 more weeks to be seen by an OB, and told by the PCM that the all intelligent TriCare gave me, that I could come back in to be seen as long as it had nothing to do with gynocological problems....IE. My pregnancy.....WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!
So, up until literally yesterday, October 1st, the last time I had been seen by an OB was July 25th!!!!! Had to run in to the ER/L&D 3x during our hotel stay....first time was for the cough/cracked rib, then I broke out in to hives only to be diagnosed properly as having a skin condition called PUPPPS....caused by, among other things a liver embalance only in prengant women....a nasty rash that pregnant women can get, breaking out in small bumps that itch like hell on forearms, thighs, belly, sides and back.....Granted it disappears soon after the baby is born but if experiences prove to be of a learning nature this one certainly is....aside from the fact I cant' take the proper meds I need while being pregnant certainly gurantees me that this is my last pregnancy, PUPPPS and everything else accompanied with this experience has proven to me that I am done procreating. The wolrd will have to settle for just having 3 of my offspring....lmmfao..Then the 3rd time I had to go was this past Sat. night after the whole family came down with a nasty stomach thing that sent me in to preterm labor. Throwing up and the other nasty thing on the other end from 7 AM till 8 PM....They hooked me up to all kinds of crap, gave me labor meds to stop my contractions as well as rehydrate me and stop the vomitting....then sent me on my way hours later, only to call me when we were still in the parking garage to tell me they need me back in the next day to measure the amniotic fluid and heart rate of the baby. So the next day I went in and that's when someone FINALLY took notice and actually paid attentiont to what I was saying. Dr. Watson, an awesome OB, saw me and she took over and said she was now my OB, and that she was going to take care of me. She set up an appointment for me to come in today in her office, and I can now say WOOHOO I have an OB!!!!! She wants me to come in every week now, which is good since I will be 36 weeks on Sat. lol Getting down to the wire ya might say. I've NEVER gone through this much hell before in my life and so help me I better not have to again or heads will roll.....Dr. Watson has even taken steps to get a consult in for me with a psychiatrist as soon as possible to make sure that the day I deliver, I get back on my meds as well as keep in check the management of the bipolar....which hasn't been done since Feb. or March.....I'm tellin ya, this OB is awesome!!!!!!
So on to moving in.....
September 5th finally came and we collected our keys, and, thinking ahead prior to us leaving Fl. we only had to wait for the mediocre furnature stuff to come 3 days later since we had rented a trailer to pull behind the Durrango that had our beds and stuff in. Unlike when we moved from Va. to Fl. and we had to wait 22 friggin DAYS for the furnature to arrive.....hmmm, which is worse....sleeping on the floor in a new house with flesh eating carpet bugs and ants in a new house for 22 days, or staying in a confined hotel room with 4 other ppl and 3 animals for 5 weeks......BLAH, it's a draw....dont' wanna do either again. lol
I have to say I love it here. The minute we got back in to Va. I felt like I was back home. Aside from the medical bullshit I've had to go through. There is just something about being here that makes me content. I don't even feel this way when I've gone back to Ga. THIS is my home. Griffin is just where I was raised. And now it's even better cause mom is living with us, so we don't have to go to Ga. so much now, if ever. lolololololol I know we will have to go there eventually because there are things we have in storage there that we need to sort through and all, but that's about it.
The due date, btw, is November 3rd, if not earlier, since being so sick this past weekend it caused me to become 3 CM dilated already, but still at -4 station which is awesome. Let's keep it that way for a couple more weeks, k? But the way things feel like they are going at this point....who knows. According to the U/S back at 20 weeks, wow that was a while back, lol, I'm having a girl. Keep your fingers crossed, if your still reading this and not bored to death with my rambling, that it is a girl. I love my lil man, Justin, but I want another girl.
The kids are great, btw. Allyson LOVES her school. They aren't at all mean to her like the kids at San Pablo were and the kids(most of them, not all) that she knew in Fl. And she just got awarded with an Outstanding Accomplishment Award request for all the hard work she's doing. She was tested in Fl. and was found to have a learning disability, and here she has a teacher she goes to for her special needs, but her regular teacher put in the request for her to be included in the ceremony on the 11th of this month for all her hard work that she has done in class. I'm so proud of her!!!!! Justin is growing like crazy. He's already in a 5T pant/shirt, and looking so grown up. I have YET to get his hair cut(gonna try to get a pic on here before I DO get it snipped) and he's constantly mistaken for a girl....but he looks so cute!!! Jimmy hates it. Says he's gonna buz cut him.....I told him he'd have to go through me and that ain't gonna happen. Plus, Justin is terrified of the noise so Jimmy would have to catch him first.....he's so me, just in a toddler body. hehehehehehee Still trying to potty train him, and it's going nowhere. I didn't have this problem at ALL with Allyson. She was trained in 5 days, at age 2. WTF. Boys, I tell ya.
Me and Jimmy aren't getting a long to well, but it's partly because I'm not on my meds and so his mere existance right now is just disgusting to me. Everything he does irritates the living hell out of me and the more he tries, the angrier I get....so I try to avoid him as much as possible. I pretty much stay out of everyone's path right now. It's best for everyone. But especially Jimmy. I just can't deal with him too much on a daily basis at this point. Hope it changes after the baby is born, but only time will tell. A LOT has come forth during all this and some serious changes need to happen for there to be peace and solace between us again. And I will leave it at that.
I will close for now. I think I've bored everyone enough but THAT is pretty much everything that has gone on. Hopfully I can get on here and update a lot more but I'm having to use my mom's computer because mine is a piece of crap now. I'll just say I will do the best I can.
I miss everyone, and thank you all for the comments you all ahve left for me. I will do my best to get back in to being social. Just be paitent.
Take care everyone and hugs n kisses!!!
~Tanya~
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Well, so far I don't feel like killing anyone...rofl What a way to start off an entry, huh?
This weekend has gone by ok I guess. A lot of yelling at the kids...but no blood was drawn, so that's a plus.
(LOOK if you beleive that ever happens go blow a Donkey, ok...I wouldn't do that to my kids or anyone else...well, maybe Jimmy, but still....yeah..wtf ever...) I emailed Jimmy the other day...told him I was feeling rather giving and open and wanted to actually share some thoughts and what not...something I rarely do any more because I am so closed off from him. Told him about my feelings, not all, and some of what is going on and how I have gotten in to contact with a theropist and my new PCM at the clinic and how she had me fast and get blood drawn for tests for high bp, choloestrol and diabetes...all that good stuff, and see if I can get put, on MY request mind you, an exercise and nutrition program. I also told him that there are support groups for spouses and families of people suffering from Bi-Polar and that over half of the people who have it, and are in a relationship, 95% of those relationships fail.
He sent me an email back and this is what it said......
Dear Tanya, I want you to know I will be there when I can(due to this job). I think your doing an outstanding with the house, kids and bills. I know you haven't want to have sex, but I don't love you for just that reason. I knew what I was getting when I married you. We would have some bumps in the road, but would get though them. I'll only go to Hawaii only if you're with me, and my family doesn't ignore you. If you don't go then we won't go. Now as for that other pay stuff, theyhave to wait on a response for that reciepts I give them when I was in VA. They have got to go through and fix alot of accounts that ppl haven't turned in their reciepts. PS 1 said it might be next payday or the one after that one. Any way, I'll email you when I get a chance. I told you once before you're going to have to shoot me to get a divorce. Night babydoll. Your husband that loves you, Jimmy But, we shall see. OK...for a better understanding of his email, here is what I sent him.....
Your mother called last night to inform me that Blakely is getting married in July...July 4th to be exact, and is doing it in Hawaii. Apparently her boyfriend now fiance' has some rich parents cause they have two houses out that way. She asked me if you could get the time off, I told her that you had the DAY off, unless it fell like on a weekend then you got either that friday or that Monday off, unless you had duty. Well, she wants you to ask off for a whole week so we can all fly over there for this thing. There...I told you about it. I told her I would tell you, so I did. lol I'm getting ready to go to the clinic and get some blood work done for diabetes, high cholesteral, high BP, heart disease and all that stuff. I love my new doctor. =) Her name is LT Pearl Christie. She's a young doctor, but she has an awesome bedside manor. I went to see her for the first time on Monday for referrals for a theropist and a psychiatrist....While she and I were talking I threw in that I really want to loose weight, but am just so hesitant about the surgery, PLUS, with my Bi Polar, the doctor was hesitant as well. She talked with me a little bit about it. I've been really down lately, I told her that I don't really want to be around any one, I don't like to be touched, I have NO desire(again) for sex, I also explained to her that I've not wanted to really have sex since the birth of our son...She doesn't think it has to do with that specifically, she thinks that my Bi Polar is getting worse. On that, I told her what meds I had been on, and that I hadn't taken the Effexor for almost 4 months now because the last time I took it, I had a migraine for 2 weeks non-stop. She said it was right of me to stop taking it for two reasons...#1. It apparently was causing more harm than good, and #2. You NEVER treat anyone with Bi Polar with Anti-Depressants!!!!!!!! It causes suicidal tendancies...of which I HAVE had several incidences starting with when we were getting ready to leave from Va. to here, and then when we got here. Then there's been a few times since we got here on base. So yeah....Good thing I am not taking it any more. A lady that is in the group of Sonya's also has it and she gave me a couple of ppl to go to who are covered by tri Care Prime, so I'm placing a call to them this morning so I can get this ball rolling and hopefully finally get this taken care of. I'm tired of living like this. There are also support groups for family members with it, so that might be something you, mom and the kids can look in to. Was also told by this lady that 9 out of 10 marriages do NOT survive when one of the people in the marriage has Bi Polar...Told her, gee thanks for THAT. She said that it goes without saying that the other party has no idea what the person with the disease is going through, and takes everything to heart when they aren't being treated, and they don't have the support they need(the non-bi polar person) from the Suport Groups and other people who have experience with it. Her name is Trish. She lives sorta across the street from us. Her husband is...get this...an AE!! lol He wants to meet you and talk to you about good ole AE stuff. lol She has kids that are in their teens...lol But that's ok. Her daughter is also Bi Polar, and when she goes down, she starts to cut. She told me that I'm somewhat like her of her daughter in that, since when I go down I have in the past hurt myself...I was even cutting when I was a teenager, and was doing it almost until I met you. I managed to ween myself off of that, but the punching of walls and other stuff continued. She seems to be a good support system. =) Mandy and Jay, the ones who helped us move, FINALLY got here on base a couple weeks ago. They ALSO live right down the road from us. lolShe and I are starting to get close. Sonya is jealous as hell, but yanno, she's some DRAMA I really don't need in my life. She found out last night I was apart of a group that Mandy started...Mayport Moms and Kids...she went NUTS. IMed Mandy and told her she was hurt that she didn't get an invite. Mandy had told me back when she first invited me to the group and I had joined, we were still living on the West side, that the group she has(Mandy that is) has NO drama, unlike Sonya's group, and if I wanted to join I could. So, I did, but then left because we were all the way over there and it was just a PITA to get to play dates n stuff. But I rejoined yesterday after Mandy was like..."Tanya, rejoin the group, these fuddy duddies aren't wanting to do anything!!" lol So I did. lol Mandy even has me down as an emergency contact now for Brie. Well, it's about time for me to go to the vampires and get this blood taken so I will close for now. Email when you can. I know I said a lot in this email...I'm actually feeling "open" this morning and willing to share. That's something else I told LT Christie...and she's like..."We're GOING to get you taken care of, Mrs. Gambrell, I promise!!" So, that made me feel better as well. Unlike those morons at NAS JAX. But any way, I'm going to send this on and hope to hear from you soon. I love you, Tanya
So, yeah you get the idea now and a better understanding of what he was rambling on about in his email...BUT he went and screwed all the niceness of what he said up there with another email stating, and I quote"I can't wait to get home and see you and the kids and MAYBE get me some, but if not, that's ok too." And to that I emailed him and said..."Sorry, this train isn't pulling out of it's station any time soon bub, and ty for ruining what nice thoughts I had of you from the other email. L8r." lol
So who knows what's to become of us...but I'm going to worry about me for a while and see what becomes of ME first.
Till next time.....
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Bat cave |
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 indescribable | |
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Well, it's happening. I knew it would. I woke up this morning after a bad face off with my mom last night that was meaningless. I blew up at her for no reason. She reminded Allyson that she needed to get a shower since she hadn't taken one the night before and something in me just snapped. I dunno what it was, I turned around from the desk and yelled at her..."Yanno, I can take care of my OWN damn kids, I don't need YOU to do it for me and it's NOT your place to tell her to do SHIT!!"
I was so angry!!! And I had no reason to be either. I mean she was just trying to help me with the kids and I completely blew up. I need help, I'm spinning out of control and NO ONE can understand what this feels like unless they are a victim of it....I want to DIE!
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Well, I'm having some serious trouble sleeping and my mood swings are just getting so bad, and almost out of control. I've had a few times when I've scared myself and thank GOD my mom has been here. Monday hurry up and get here!!!
On a different notw...Mandy came by today. She brought Brie and she and Allyson had such a great time. Me and Mandy talked for a while. It was great! SO weird how just yesterday I was saying how I wished someone would come by and visit...and now today BAM...lol
Macsfairy came by as well. She brought her son over to appologize to Allyson for something that he had said to her yesterday that really upset her. He brought her a rose that Macsfairy had cut from one of her rose bushes...it's a really pretty rose, too! 
Well, I guess I'm going to close for now...not too much else to say. I'm searching th tube for a good scary movie. I'm in the mood for one of those tonight...gory, morbid, and just scare the shit out of you type. Gonna pour me a glass of Sangria and start the search....Or maybe some Penote' Greshio....Anywho, wish me luck!!!
~PF~
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In the living room |
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indescribable |
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Watching a TV edited version of FINAL DESTINATION | |
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I'm typing in, of all things, PINK, this evening...letsa ya know what kind of mood I'm in, altho I started out in a pretty nasty one this morning...damn kids. lol
Anyway....I'm so glad it's friday. This week was just exhausting for me, since I haven't really gotten to take a break from anything for two weeks now. I'm supposed to go to bowling in the morning, but I doubt I'm gonna go. I'm jsut worn out, plus, I'm flat broke. I already owe for the last two weeks we hadn't gone, PLUS tomorrow, and I just don't have it., Sucks, but what can you do? You have to prioritize and sometimes make sacrifices, that's what. Gas, or bowling. I think gas since I take her to school.
I've been trying this new thing Robin introduced me to a few nights ago and she wasn't kidding...it is TOTALLY addictive! I love it tho. I've met a couple people and we've been chatting. Nothing all nasty like some of the convo's I've *seen* in there, but it's totally nuts and I really like it.
I knew this would happen. As soon as me and Robin hung out, I knew I'd get a real itching to want to go back up there and hang with her for a few days! I miss my *extended* family!! Which reminds me I have GOT to write David. I'm gonna get started on that in just a minute to be exact. Gotta find some pics to send to him cause he wants to see the kids and all. BOY is he gonna be shocked at Allyson and how much she has grown since he saw her last...she was only a year old!!! And now she's 9!!
Nothing much has really happened this week other than being tired. I'm getting to know a few more people around here better which is great. My mom saw Tammy, one of the ladies in one of the groups I'm in, came by to get some stuff and chit chat a bit...My mom was like..."Woah, I leave to go get my medication, come back and you actually have friends show up here...YAY!!!" lol And it's true. No one ever comes by here, but it's going to change as soon as I get this place ship shape. I'm tired of being here alone and what not. I don't always like going places, and I want to get to the point where if I don't want to go somewhere. I can just say..."Hwy, lets just go to my place." I'm always GOING places but never anyone comeing here...altho some people said they would..they have been here MAYE 4x....and actually STAYED longer than 10 minutes...nadda...it's time for some of that tho. I'm tired of "going to them."
Well, that's about it for now. I'm having fun chatting with some people and I'm loosing track of what I was going to say so I'm gonna close for now. lol *DINGY* (hehehe)
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OK...so I went back home this past weekend so my mom could get some stuff out of her storage as well as get her car tag for the year. Both of those went ok, I've now got a really nasty head cold(allergies more than likely) and feel more croupy than I did before we went.
I got to see one(of two from home) my dearest friends, Robin(Hexgirl13) and we were able to spend some time together. Not as much as I wanted to, but we at least got to see one another! Spent some time with her mom and dad too. Justin had a BLAST with Leroy. OMG, it was just so cute to see him interact with someone who genuinely wanted to spend some time with him. All he ever gets from Jimmy is yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" or "WHAT do you WANT?!?!?!?!?" I LOVE thier new house and where they built it. It's so secluded and out in the middle of their property. Deer LITERALLY come up to the front porch! THAT'S what I want when we can afford it. IF we survive all the bullshit that goes on now.
I didn't realize how much I missed them till I saw them. Robin wasn't there at first, BUT when she got home it was NUTS!!!! lol It was like she and I had not missed a day together. That's the way it always is with me and her. Even tho we live completely different lives and are different in SO many ways, she and I have a connection that is just very unique and very special. She IS so much apart of my family...not that it's that big, lol, but it's just so wild how easily we can pick up right where we left off. Allyson completely ADORES her, too. She can't stop talking about her. Justin acted like his shy coy self to her....but I could tell he was like..."HEY, a BABE!!!" lolol But he was more interested in Leroy's attention this time around I think. lol
She said she was going to try to come down for a weekend, job permitting, but was DEFINATELY coming for a week sometime at the first of the year. I can hardly wait!!!! LOOK OUT JACKSONVILLE is all I gotta say!!
I know I definately need some familiar blood around me for a while. I'm still not getting and understanding the people around here. Thought I was, but apparently I was TOTALLY off.
I really have changed, tho....as far as my hometown related issues go. People are just so SNOTTY back home. Talking about people they know and don't know from the look of their hair, the food they eat, to the type of car they drive....It's just such petty shit. Almost like being around my mother-in-law.
There's a few more things I could say, but I've already tainted this awesome post with the mention of my inlaw, and the snotts, so I will leave it at that and post another probably later today about the "other" things that have just rubbed me the wrong way. More local than back home, however....
Anywho, I'm glad we went, but I'm glad to be home.
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"Partisanship and politics have their place, but now we must find a way to come together to protect our country and our values. When our troops defend our country, they do not do it as Democrats or Republicans or independents, but as Americans. So, as Americans, let us resolve here at home to work together to unite our country, to move forward for success in Iraq and be worthy of the service of the men and women in uniform who fight for our freedom every day."
Joseph Liberman
Should you be interested, it was taken from this speach....http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/Commentary/NewsBlogs/CapitolHill/060928a.aspx
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living room |
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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level | Score Purgatory | Low Level 1 - Limbo | Very Low Level 2 | Very High Level 3 | High Level 4 | Low Level 5 | High Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very Low Level 7 | Very High Level 8- the Malebolge | Moderate Level 9 - Cocytus | Low Level descriptions: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html Take the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
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I'm Officially a National Coach for Bowling. lmao Yes, you read that right...I'm a Bowling Coach...And the great thing about this is, when I really get the hang of it all, I can charge to coach!!! And it's good money. Granted I'm only at level 1...there's several levels, but that's ok...I'm on my way. Wasn't looking to get in to it for the money at first anyway...since Allyson is really truly in to the game, I wanna know about it, and be able to help her as best I can.
That's pretty much it. I have a headache so I'm gonna close this for now...
L8R.
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pleased | |
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| You Are 62% Evil |
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot. |
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So, I went to the doctor yesterday for the skin irritation I have had for almost 2 years now...that I am sick and tired of being told "I don't know what this is, so here's some cream and pills to alieviate the problem." for it just to numb it up, not clear it up and get it the fuck out of my system...so I could get a referral to a Dermetologist. Well, "COMANDER POWERS" as she introduced herself to me, as I addressed her as "Doctor" since I'm civilian, NOT military, and don't HAVE to address them as such, nor do I solute them, altho you'd THINK they expected it....comes in, looks at me 30 seconds asks me what meds I'm on, and as I go in to telling her that I haven't taken my Effexor XR, 150 mgs. a day, for over 2 months because the last time I took it, it caused me to have one of my migraines to last 2 FUCKING WEEKS...she bites my head off to say..."I don't CARE what it's done, I need to know what your taking to see what is causing this..." To which I told this berrating CUNT that I had NOT been on either med when this first occured, and had a flair up before and during me taking either. So then she goes it to..."What are you eating differently..." Nothing...."Well, then sometimes your body can become allergic, so my suggestion is to just experiment and stop eating something for a while, see if itclears up..." In OTHER words...You have NO FUCKING CLUE.
GOD DAMN IT...I have been going through this MOTHERFUCKING SHIT for almost 2 GODDAMN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!(01/2007 will be 2 FUCKING YEARS)
Do you HONESTLY think I want to go through this even longer...just slice my skin off and get the shit off of me....FUCKING CUNT DOCTOR!!!
Does she give me a refferal....FUCK NO. She won't even consider it. Know what she did....This is fucking hilrious...Extends my script for the cream and starts me BACK on ATTERAX, of which I told her was the FIRST fucking drug I got put on, that only made me groggy. So she sticks me on yet ANOTHER drug to keep me awake during the day.
GODDAMN HMO's....I can't do a fucking thing without a referral, unless I pay out of my pocket $100's that I DON'T have, Jimmy nor my mother has....so I'm fucking STUCK with this hidious body, that has rashes.
I'm going crazy. It keeps me awake at night. I get 3 hours MAYBE of sleep every couple of days. Yes I said every COUPLE of days!!!!!!!
I hate the people around me. I hate the animals getting near me. I want to just be alone. Why can't I just be alone???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Current Mood: |
 melancholy |
Current Music: |
Nothing, just leave me ALONE!!! | |
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I'm sitting here thinking of all the people in my life. Granted I don't have that many, but the few that are ACTIVELY in my life have started to just .....suffocate me. It's pretty sad really. I mean, all during school I didn't have that many due to things I don't care to get in to at this time. And I have managed to acquire more than I ever had growing up. But now every time I turn around it seems like , I just get overwhelmed by phone calls, IM's and a bombardment of visits and it's just getting to me to the point where I want to avoid everyone in the world that I know. I just want ME time. And with 2 kids, that is completely out of the question altogether. But I'm almost to the point where I want to just leave. Just me and my stuff....leave the kids, husband, mother...animals...everything and just get as far away from everyone I know as I can, and start over.
People can chaulk it up to me not being on my meds...well, kiss my ass if you go there because yanno what? It makes me hurt more!!! And in worse ways than what I'm going through without them. Migraines like you can NOT even imagine. And not lasting for a couple of days...TRY WEEKS!!!!! So don't start with the fucking meds. I'm tired of people THINKING they know what I need, whats good for me and so on...and I'm starting to really take stock in "deleteing" some of these people altogether.
Also, my eczema is starting to take real hold over me. I have break-outs on my neck., going almost completely around, and it's starting to move up towards my face. That has me TERRIFIED. Can you imagine this shit on my FACE? I will...WILL kill myself if this shit gets on my face...I don't care if I burn in hell, or lay listless forever in a mass of nothingness...I will slit my wrists as sure as I'm typing this. Fuck everyone....That's it. That's all she wrote. This crap is disabling to say the least. I'm up almost 24/7 itching. And all the fucking doctors(rent-a-doc as I like to call them...damn military)will give me is a fucking cream and pills that knock me slap the fuck out. Yeah, WHAT a life I have. Yeah, you can say..."At least you have one..." Well, Fuck you cause this life isn't much of an exhistance if going through this is what it takes. I'm gaining weight again. And I am constantly hungry. I can't get full and it's got me scared too. And all the "doctors" can say at the clinic is...Diet and Excercise. Well, I have no energy, and I'm always eating. Apparently I need MORE HELP than the typical bullshit. But no one wants to help. Probably think I'm just a lazy ass loaf that is good for nothing. Well, fuck you too.
I'm done.
Current Mood: |
 cranky | |
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A time without fear. Of not wondering if today was the day that another piece of OUR Nation was ripped apart by a violence and hatred so deep, you felt it in your being.....THAT was pre 9/11/01.
Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the tragic day in which people took away our very inner being of security in our own country. But in taking that away, only for a moment, however, they gave us the ability to know that we CAN unite as one. Too bad it has been forgotten by so many.
I can remember where I was. Me and Jimmy had gotten married just one week prior to 9/11. 9/10, me, Jimmy and Allyson drove up to Virginia Beach, to Oceana NAS, where Jimmy had to go to get us put on his page 2 for us to recieve benefits and what not since we were now his dependents...It was a 12 hour drive that time, since it was our first, it took forever. So, by the time we got up there, PSD had closed. So, we went to the hotel and made plans for a very early morning since PSD opened at 7 AM.
Woke up around 8 AM the morning of the 11th. Got a late start since we were exhuasted from the drive the day before. We all got our showers and bath, and staggered out of the hotel on our way to the base. When we got on base, nothing out of the ordinary was going on, so we went to Jimmy's barracks room, me and Allyson waited in the truck while Jimmy went to his room to get some things. While we were waiting, I turned the radio on, and to my shock and horror, a guy was talking about a jet that had just flown in to one of the World Trade Center Towers. And then mentioned something about the Pentagon. I was starting to think I was still asleep. Jimmy finally got in the truck, and I had jotted down what the guy had said, so I could give him accurate deatails of what he had missed. STILL, no one was stirring on base....so....Jimmy was like.."That radio station is ALWAYS pulling bullshit trying to scare the public. They have been censored before, and are about to get pulled from the broadcasting because that's nothing to joke about. Then the guy was like(on the radio) "I'm getting the hell out of here, they said there is a plane on it's way to the capital, and who knows...radio stations and all telecamunications networks are next...We're going to hell people...seek shelter!!" THAT sent a chill down my back. Jimmy tried to reassure me, but something in me just told me....Something TERRIBLE has happened...and it isn't just a snall cesna that has flown in to a building. This is HUGE.
So anyway. We get to the PSD, and go in to the area we need to go to. There is hushed murrmors going around since there was a civilian(me) in the building. Oddly, I was the only NONmilitary person in that building at that time. Well, me and Allyson. They processed me and Allyson rather quickly, which Jimmy said was VERY unusual. Then word of several Snipers were said to be rumored on base, and for all Military personel to go to Briefing. They left me and Allyson alone in the offices while everyone else went to get briefed on what was going on.
By the time they got back in to the room, Tower 2 fell. Jimmy was telling me something about..."You have to be careful...you have to go home, but be careful. No one knows what else is going to happen! But he went with me to the truck. Told me to go to Lynnhaven Prkwy to the Wal Mart there so we can write a check for money for gas and food. So I did. He wasn't supposed to leave the base. But he did so he could make sure we were taken care of.
The whole way driving back from Va. Beach to Griffin, Ga. was hell. There was NOTHING on the radio except coverage of everything going on. My daughter asking me..."Mommy are we going to die??" still haunts me sometimes in my sleep still today. A 4 YEAR OLD BABY!!!!!! Asking if today is the day she is going to die?!?!?!?!?! The truck never went under 90 MPH, unless we had to stop for gas or food. It took 2 extra hours getting home because since I had no clue where I was going to begin with, we started going up 95 towards Richmond. So, when I got to Richmond, I had to turn around and go back. Only way I knew I was going wrong was because a very nice young man at a McDonalds drive thru told me so. He saw I was distraut, and was nice enough to ask me where I was headed. I hope he's doing well today.
I got home around 11...my mom met me at the door with arms opened wide and we both fell to the floor because I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
Then I saw the television. The collapse of both towers....The HUGE hole in the Pentagon that rang out....and the gapping hole in the ground in Pennsylvania.
Today....I still remember it fresh in my mind. just like it happened 5 years ago. I look at my children and appreciate what my husband does for this country.< He ship left out 8 days after the attacks, and they kickes some major ass over there!!!! CVN-71, USS Theodore Roosevelt Battle Group/Carrier will forever be our first family....Capt .O'Hannlin was amazing to the crew, as well as the families.>
I am very thankful for all that I have, and I will never forget what it took to make some of the awareness to come to the surface for me.
To the families of those lost...buth from 9/11, and from the Oklahoma City bombing, which was also terrorist related, even tho the cowards were "Americans", I say a prayer for them now and every day that they know that the pain they feel in the loss that they have so un-needingly taken on, will be some day lessened.
I will NEVER FORGET 9/11/01.
Current Location: |
Living room |
Current Mood: |
sad |
Current Music: |
Watching "The Path To 9/11" | |
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Of all the people, famous or not, that could have been taken....Steve Erwin, aka "The Croc Hunter" will probably be considered by a lot of people as a great loss to the Zoological society, as well as to the general public as a whole.
Granted, the man was considered to be a crack pot by a lot of people...but he truely KNEW what he was doing, since he'd been doing it since age 6 with his father....
LOL...I remember watching him for the first time while still pregnant with my daughter. I couldn't stop laughing at him. Of all the dangers the reptiles he loved so well held open, with gaping teeth and whipping tail, he had so much love and respect for. And he was truely a master at his ability to aide to those that needed it....and also show the world that, altho they should be feared and avoided at all costs, croc's as well as gators(he traveled MANY times to Fl. to aide in capturing and relocating gators, as well as doing documentaries on the differences between the two species), he also showed that these animals were very interesting.
It's such a tragedy, but he died doing what he loved. Working in an environment filled with an abundance of creatures that the world rarely got to see...except through documentaries. May he rest in peace....God Speed, Croc Hunter. And thank you.
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I'm sitting here. Wet and cold. Took a shower to try and get rid of this horrible feeling in my stomach, but to no avail. I can feel myself sinking further and further in to this pit.
I'm miserable. I make everyone that I love, that live with me miserable. The more I try to fight back, the worse off I get. The more I'm around people, in general, the more I can't stand them. Even the ones I love the most. All I want to do is just go in to my room, shut the door and stay there forever. No one to bother me. Just me.
Some of the "friends" I've made here aren't truely friends. In fact, there's a couple who are just out to make everyone around them suffer for THEIR unhappiness. Fuck, I'm SORRY your life sucked ass. I'm SORRY that it seems as though I have everything you either want, need, or ever drempt of having. My GOD, get over yourself!! At least your breathing, have a kid(s) husband who loves you even when your an unbearable BITCH to him......But does that give you ANY fucking right to bring me down for who I am, and what I have??? No, and I am about to the end of all that I can tolerate with these people who CLAIM to be my "friend."
Granted, I was depressed in Va. at times. And when I found out that we HAD to move here, I KNEW it was bad MOJO, because Fl. has been the ubhorance of disgust for me. This is the state Jimmy fucked someone else in. Told me that he loved this WHORE more than his own daughter...that she was worth more than the family he had created.....This is the place where the innocence of our relationship went to shit!!! Yes, yes I know, we're married now, so all should be said and done. I should be over it. But I am STILL having trouble here.
My aunt and cousin were killed in this fucking state. Hit head on by a boy....his truck, a 59 CHevy something, threw the engine of the mini van my aunt and cousin were in straight in to their laps, CUTTING THEM IN HALF, and throwing the top parts of their bodies in to the back seat. YEAH, Fl. is the best, lemme tell you.
(And some people wonder why I don't want a mini van, DESPITE all the improvements they have gone through....NEVER!!!!!)
No, I do NOT want to go back to Va. Lemme get that out of the way right now for those that think..."OMG, here she fucking goes again with the 'I hate Fl.' bullshit."Va. had it's problems too, and there are some painful things there that I don't want to have to contend with so no, Va. will NOT be on my wanting to move back to list by NO MEANS so stfu about that shit now.
And yanno...I am a very forgiving person, even with the rage I have and all the shit that some people put me through. Leading up to something here...
I recently had a chat with a friend of whom I don't think has spoken one harsh word about me...to my knowledge anyway...And I came clean to her about something that happened during our move. And the fact that she didn't hold against me my spitefulness for doing something to her....and yanno, that's just awesome!!!
Here people sit in judgement of others ALL the time. That drives me INSANE. I try to play Devil's Advocate 99.3f the time, and any one who says differently can go piss off. You KNOW I do, so fuck you. Sweet to someone's face, but OMG, the minute your back is turned holy hell I'm surprised there aren't falling bodies all around because of the backstabbing. And here they sit saying how they can't stand back stabbers and two faced people. Well, look in the mirror my friend cause you must certainly hate yourself, because your doing what you claim to dispise.
And, like they always say...if you have to ask if it's about you, odds are, it is...Guilty Conscience always bleeds through to the truth sweet cheeks.
What's really bad is that I am made to feel as though I have to explain myself. WHY?? I'm an adult for GOD sake, and yanno, I don't stab someone in the back, I will NEVER say bwhind your back what I will say to your face FIRST. Get that through your head. No one is out to get you. And yanno, sometimes people want to befriend people not to get to any one else, but to simply BE FRIENDS with one another. It's an interesting concept. And if your THAT paranoid that you think someone is going to be friends with someone else simply to get to you...then you are a very sad person...moreso than even myself. That should be termed under borderline schitzo if you ask me.
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Current Location: |
Living Room. |
Current Mood: |
Sinking still..... |
Current Music: |
Silence Speaks A Thousand Words, and it's all becoming clear | |
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Dear Mr President, come take a walk with me
*Let's pretend, we're just two people and
*You're not better than me
*I'd like to ask you some questions, if we can speak honestly
*What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
*Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
*What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
*Are you proud?
******How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?*How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
*How do you walk with your head held high?
*Can you even look me in the eye and tell me why?******
*Dear Mr. President, were you a lonely boy?
*Are you a lonely boy?*How can you say "No child is left behind"
*Were not dumb and we're not blind*they're all sitting in your cells
*While you pave the road to hell
*What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
*And what kind of father might hate his own daughter for being gay?
*I can only imagine what the first lady has to say...
*You've come a long way from whiskey and coccaine
*Lemme tell ya 'bout hard work!
*Minimum wage with a baby on the way
*Let me tell you 'bout hard work
*Rebuilding your home after the bombs toook them away
*Lemme tell ya 'bout hard work
*Building a bed out of a cardboard box
*Lemme tell ya 'bout hard work
*You don't know nothin' 'bout hard work!!!!!!!!!
*How do you sleep at night
*How do you walk with your head held high
*Dear Mr. President....You'd never take a walk with me.
track 5 off her Album I'm Not Dead:P!NK:Dear Mr. President
Current Location: |
Same place I always am.... |
Current Mood: |
contemplative |
Current Music: |
Just the fan blowing and the wilderness outside chirping. | |
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Well, tonight marks the end of the first week of school for Allyson. She LOVES her second grade teacher, Mrs. Shimp. lol At the orientation the friday before, I made the mistake of calling her Miss Shimp, and she never corrected me on it so I thought it was all good....woopsie!!! lol But seriously, she has come home so excited every night. And got up ready for the next day...NOW, ask me in a couple months if she's still like this, cause you know how it is...first week is euphoric, but my October, some of us were ready to call in a cyborg of ourselves to take over for the rest of the year. lol
Nothing else major going on. Haven't heard from asshole David, or lease person, since he hung up on me...WTF ever. He can go hang himself in his bathroom for all I care!!! Him AND the owner of the house. They actually accused me and Jimmy of purposely trying to damage this mans' credit!! WTF???? I'm not malicious like that...especially not to someone I'm #1. renting a very nice house from, #2. someone I don't know. But whatever....We never seem to catch a break...that's mine and Jimmy's lives....but DAMN IT. Just once. That's all I'm asking. But every single friggin thing we do, it always has to be complicated!!!
OK, enough bitching. I'm so proud of my baby girl. She did so well. Truely sorry for the rant up there...lol This is supposed to be about Allyson...She did so good. I just hope she keeps up the enthusiasm!!!!! As you can see from the pic up there, she was totally wiped out...but content!!!! I love my lil scrunchie...altho she's not so lil any more...My baby girl is growing up.
L8r..... |
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You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.
In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.
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Buddhism
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88% |
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Christianity
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71% |
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agnosticism
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67% |
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Hinduism
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63% |
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Islam
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58% |
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Judaism
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54% |
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Paganism
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33% |
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Satanism
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25% |
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atheism
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8% |
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
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piratefairy1's journal
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